Lindsay McKenna Read online

  “Now are you fully accepted?”

  “I am.”

  “And why are you working out here at the Bar H on your days off?”

  “Because I want to buy a house.”

  He grinned. “What’s your dream house look like?”

  She laughed a little, finishing off the vegetables. “You’ll laugh.”

  “Try me.”

  “Why do you want to know?” she challenged.

  “Because I care.” He held her mutinous look. Cat really didn’t want anyone within those walls she had erected. He added gently, “Because you saved our lives this morning. I’d like to know more about you as a person.” That was the truth, but Talon didn’t add that he was attracted to her. If he admitted that, Cat might disappear.

  Cat looked down. “I’m a very private person, Talon.”

  He said nothing and resumed eating. Cat wasn’t someone to be pushed into a corner. She’d shut down, just as she had right now. There was definitely some baggage in her life.

  “In some ways, you’re a shadow warrior like me,” he admitted.

  “Is that what SEALs are? Shadow warriors?”

  “Black ops always works in the shadows,” he told her. Talon handed Zeke another morsel of beef. The dog’s eyes were alight with happiness.

  “Why did you join the SEALs?”

  Talon studied Cat for a moment, trying to decide if she really wanted to know or if she was turning the tables on him and deflecting more questions. He decided she was genuine in her curiosity. “I wanted to make a difference.”

  “You could have done that any number of ways. You didn’t have to be a SEAL to protect the country or do your patriotic duty.”

  “I liked what they did,” Talon said. “I grew up hunting and tracking and felt my skills could be best used in that way.” His stomach tensed. They were going into forbidden territory. He didn’t want to talk too much about his work, his past.

  “Sandy always loved getting your emails. She said there was a lot you couldn’t tell her.”

  Nodding, Talon said, “My military life is top secret. I can never talk about it.”

  “She said you’re a hero.”

  Talon cringed inwardly. He didn’t feel like a hero. More like a failure. He’d failed to rescue Hayden. His mouth flexed. “I’m not.”

  Cat regarded him for a moment, sensing his pain. Maybe it was in the sudden tightening of his face or the way his fork and knife hesitated over the food. “She said you’d earned two Silver Stars, a Bronze Star and two Purple Hearts. In my world, that makes you a hero even if we never know what you did to earn them.”

  “They’re just medals,” he growled. “They mean nothing.”

  Cat remained silent and cleaned up the rest of the food on her plate. She risked a look at him. His mouth was hard. Zeke was watching his master intently, as if sensing his withdrawal.

  Standing, Cat said, “Do you want some dessert? Coffee? I’m going out to get mine.”

  Talon shook his head and gave her his unfinished tray. “No…thanks. Tell Miss Gus it tasted good. I’m just not up to eating that much right now.”

  There was misery in his expression. She ached for him. “After we’re done with dinner, are you up to walking down the hall to your room? I’ve got it ready for you.”

  He nodded. “Yeah. I just need to rest a little bit.” Because he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders, Hayden’s death. His inability to save him.

  “Sure,” Cat murmured, taking the tray and putting it on top of hers. “I’ll be back later.”

  Talon stretched out on the bed. Outside, it was dark. “Could you turn the light off when you leave?” he asked.

  “Will do.”

  *

  “HOW IS TALON?” Gus asked as Cat sat down with her rhubarb pie with vanilla ice cream.

  “He’s tired. His fever is lower, but he’s really underweight, and pneumonia can fell the strongest of men.”

  “I had pneumonia once as a kid,” Griff said. “Miserable stuff. Took me almost a month to recover fully from it.”

  “It’s nothing to mess with,” Gus agreed, grim. She looked over at Cat. “How’s Talon really doing?”

  “I think he’s on an emotional roller coaster. He talked to Sandy and he’s upset,” Cat said.

  “Anyone would be,” Val offered, giving Cat a gentle look. “How are you doing, Cat? You’re on the front lines with Talon. He’s got PTSD.”

  “He sure does,” she admitted, enjoying the tart, sweet rhubarb pie. “I accidentally walked in and woke him up earlier. He sat up in the bed, his fists cocked, and the look in his eyes scared the hell out of me.”

  Gus shook her head.

  Val reached over and touched Gus’s arm. “Talon just left the hospital. He’d been wounded. I’m sure he’s reliving all the hell he went through.” She looked pointedly at Cat. “And you have to be careful with him. Those black ops guys, when they’re wounded, they pose a threat to the nurses and doctors. They’re taught how to kill with their hands and if you get too close to them accidentally, they can take you out. If you have to wake him, just stay by the door and call his name. That way, you’re not within arm’s reach.”

  “That’s what he told me afterward,” Cat admitted. “Val, you’ve never talked much about your Air Force service or being an intelligence officer. How do you know so much about what Talon did?”

  “Because from time to time, as an intelligence officer, I went out with black ops groups into the field. It was dangerous, clandestine work.”

  Griff studied his wife. “And I’m glad you’re no longer doing it.”

  “Makes two of us,” Val assured him. “I’m glad I came home.”

  “Makes three of us,” Gus said. “The Bar H is coming back to life under your and Griff’s guidance.” She grinned and rubbed her hands together. “And now, with Talon agreeing to work for us full-time, that’s going to help us with the plans we’ve got on the back burner for the ranch.”

  Cat smiled, always enjoying Gus and her fiery personality. “Don’t expect him to start doing much of anything for about two weeks.”

  “Don’t worry,” Griff assured her, picking up his coffee mug. “May is always testy and we get more snow than spring sunshine. I’ll go easy on him.”

  “Good,” Cat murmured, “because he’s really underweight, Griff. He’s lost forty or fifty pounds from what I can tell.”

  “Why so much?” Gus demanded, scowling.

  “Maybe six months in the hospital did it,” she suggested. “He doesn’t talk much about himself and he didn’t like my questions when I asked him.”

  Val nodded. “Just give Talon time. Don’t press him too much, okay? Chances are him getting wounded has something to do with it. He’s probably going through a lot of emotional trauma he can’t share with anyone.”

  “That must be tough,” Gus muttered, “not being able to talk about it to anyone.”

  Val put her empty pie plate aside and slid her fingers around the coffee mug. “It’s being caught between a rock and a hard place, Gus.”

  Griff sat back, watching his wife with concern. “And that’s why after we got married, on some nights, you’d wake up screaming.”

  Val sighed. “Yes. I still get them, but not as much as before.” She reached over and touched his cheek. “Because I have you, I feel safe now.”

  Cat tilted her head. “So, you have PTSD, too.” It shouldn’t have surprised her, but it did, because Val seemed so calm and collected.

  “Yes. I’m sure not one-tenth as bad as Talon has it. He was out on the front lines against the enemy all the time. My work was off and on for a couple of years over in Iraq. Still, when your life is on the line, it affects you.” Her voice lowered and she held Cat’s gaze. “Talon has probably seen terrible things, Cat. He’s jumpy and he’s been finely trained until his reactions are all based on muscle memory. He doesn’t think about his defensive moves—they are a part of him. That’s why you can’t be near him whe
n he suddenly jolts awake for whatever reason.”

  Griff nodded. “I remember the first time you sat up screaming in bed shortly after we got married. You scared the living hell out of me. I thought you were hurt.”

  Val smiled sadly. “Yes, I remember that night. That dream.”

  “What did you do to help her, Griff?” Cat wondered.

  “When I realized she wasn’t hurt, I just held her.”

  “Love always heals,” Gus uttered, eyeing the couple with tenderness. She reached out, patting Val’s arm. “I wish you’d told me this before.”

  “It’s hard for military vets to open up, Gus,” Val said. “Man or woman, it doesn’t matter. We carry so much toxic crap inside us, we’re afraid to release it.” She glanced over at her husband. “I guess that’s why we have nightmares and maybe we’re working it out in the landscape of our mind. So much of it is top secret and we can’t speak about it to our spouse or friends. We’re like time bombs.”

  Cat sat back, digesting Val’s admissions. She’d known the woman for a year, since she’d left the Air Force to come home to help Gus after she broke her hip. “Can you give me any advice on how to deal with Talon?”

  “Just be there for him.” Val smiled a little and took a sip of her coffee. “I think he likes you, Cat. And if that’s so, then he’s going to trust you just a little bit more than anyone else. Getting a vet’s trust is ground zero. It anchors them in the here and now.” She looked at Griff, her voice warm. “Just being around Griff helped me so much, whether he knew it or not.”

  “I didn’t know,” Griff said.

  “Sometimes a vet can’t put how he or she feels into words,” Val admitted. “You helped me because you loved me, Griff. You didn’t realize when you touched me, held me or were just around helping me, that you were making a huge difference emotionally in me.”

  “Healing takes many forms,” Gus said. She narrowed her eyes on Cat. “That young man likes you a lot. I saw it in his eyes when I went in to visit him earlier today. The way he looked at you.”

  Stunned, Cat said, “He does?”

  Val grinned across the table at Cat. “You weren’t aware?”

  Embarrassed, Cat muttered, “No…not really. I mean, I’m a paramedic, my focus is elsewhere.”

  “Don’t feel bad, Cat,” Griff said.

  Cat stared at Val. “How can I help Talon, then?”

  “Just be your wonderful self,” Val murmured, smiling. “You’re a healer, Cat. You’ve always been one. The value of your touch can never be underestimated. Especially with someone like Talon. I know that when Griff would touch my shoulder, my hand or hold me, it made a huge difference for me.”

  “But,” Cat stumbled, “I don’t love him!”

  Gus snorted. “Blind as a bat.”

  Eyebrows raising, Cat stared at the elder. “What does that mean?” She was beginning to feel panic. Did they see something she didn’t between her and Talon? Was she that blind?

  Gus patted her hand. “Dearie, you just continue to be yourself. Talon’s getting better because you’re around him. Aren’t healing and love entwined?” Gus gave her a hard, searching look.

  “Well,” Cat sputtered, “I guess in a way they are. I mean, I love being a paramedic.” Surely, that was what Gus was talking about, her compassion and care for others.

  Gus glanced over at Val. “She doesn’t know.”

  Val grinned. “Give her time, Gus. We’re not as all seeing and knowing as you are.”

  The table broke into warm laughter. Cat wasn’t laughing, however, feeling an outsider to a secret they all knew but she didn’t. Confused, she shrugged and finished off her warm pie. What wasn’t she seeing that they saw? She felt Gus pat her arm.

  “Child, you are a wonderful person, so don’t let us razzing you upset you, okay?”

  “I guess I am blind, Gus.”

  “It’s all right. You’re young and that’s the reason why.”

  Young and stupid. Cat railed against her lack of experience with men. She’d give anything for what Griff and Val had. They were so clearly in love with each other. Cat couldn’t seem to pick men who loved her, much less respected her. Her father had never respected her, either. Not as a human being. Not as a child. Not as a little girl. Cat forced a smile she didn’t feel because she didn’t want to hurt Gus’s feelings. The elder had done so much for her.

  “Young and dumb,” Cat teased her.

  “No, you’re not dumb,” Gus said. “You’re innocent. There’s a huge difference.”

  Innocent? Her? Hardly. But Cat said nothing. She automatically shoved away memories of her childhood. Only Val knew what she’d endured. Cat was just too guilt ridden to tell anyone else. “All I want to do is be of help to Talon, Gus. He looks like he needs a friend.”

  “You’re doing fine dealing with Talon. And I feel he’s beginning to trust you, Cat. That’s good for him. Maybe for you, too.” Her eyes grew kind as she held Cat’s gaze.

  Val gave her grandmother a sweet smile. “Gus, you just go watch your favorite TV programs.” She looked at her watch. “Cat and I will get your room back in order. We know how you like it.”

  Cat grinned. “You go enjoy the rest of your night, Gus. We’ll take care of the details.”

  “Oh,” Gus muttered. “I guess I can.”

  Moments later, Cat and Val gazed around her grandmother’s bedroom.

  “There,” Val said, pleased. She and Cat had just finished putting clean sheets on her bed and moving the furniture around. She glanced at Cat.

  Lowering her voice, “Do you have any experience as a paramedic with PTSD?”

  “No. I’ve seen trauma but not the lasting effects.”

  “You already know it’s nothing to mess with,” Val said grimly. “Now, Talon’s down the hall. And there’s a door between your bedrooms.” Her mouth thinned. “I’ll bet you anything Talon has horrible nightmares. You might get woken up on any night from his screaming. But you can’t go to him, Cat. He’s imprisoned in the event. And if you run into his room to try and help him, he will likely see you as the enemy and try to kill you.”

  “He told me.” Cat gulped. She felt sudden pain for Talon. His suffering went beyond what she normally saw. And, yes, her first instinct would be to run into his room and try to help him. She stared at Val for a long time. “What happens to a guy who’s married and comes back home? Does his wife get beat up? Killed by him?”

  “It can happen,” Val said. “That’s why I’m warning you off right now, Cat. Let Talon alone. He’ll handle it.”

  “But—”

  Val held up her hand. “No buts. He’ll be okay. He’s got Zeke. That dog, I’m sure, has seen him through all of his nightmares. The dog may even help and give him comfort.”

  “We need to tell Gus about this.”

  “Already did. I told her if she wakes up hearing Talon screaming, to stay in her room. She got it.”

  “And Griff knows?”

  “Griff knows.”

  “Is there anything we can do to help Talon?”

  Val shook her head. “Not right now. I’m hoping that, as he mends and starts working as a wrangler, I can persuade him to go see Jordana. She said a lot of the nightmares stem from high cortisol in his bloodstream. And she’s got a method to reduce the cortisol permanently. It doesn’t cure PTSD, but it does level out the playing field and it will help Talon sleep at night. Insomnia is one of the signs of PTSD.”

  “I really need to get up on those symptoms,” Cat muttered.

  “Talk to Jordana. She’s got all kinds of literature in her office on it. Take advantage of her coming over this Sunday.” Val slid her arm around Cat’s waist and gave her a quick hug. “Just understand, Talon isn’t doing this on purpose. He can’t help it. It’s his psyche’s way of trying to off-load the horror he experienced. If you play Scrabble with him, that’s a safe outlet for Talon. He’ll trust you more and more over time.”

  Trust. Well, that was a word Cat knew well.
“Maybe I have PTSD, too. I don’t trust anyone. I have problems sleeping at night.”

  “You don’t trust men because your father hurt you and he was a man. You trust women. They never hurt you. Talon’s trust issue is different. He’s steeped in top-secret stuff he can never reveal to anyone. And he’s trying to heal without ever talking about it. Sometimes, other things can come along in his life to bleed off this toxicity he carries. Over time, he’ll honestly start healing from it.”

  “Scrabble will do that?” Cat demanded, unsure.

  Val gave her an evil grin. “Scrabble is the focus. It’s you, your being with him, that’s the key.”

  “I’m not a touchstone for anyone, Val. That’s been proven too many times. I just feel so messed up inside when it comes to men.”

  Val pat her shoulder. “Trust me, you’re good for Talon. And he might be good for you.”

  Cat straightened. “You’re giving me your blessing?”

  “Absolutely. He’s wounded, Cat, but he’s a good man. I can spot one a mile away. And I kind of think you like Talon, too.”

  Cat nodded, more to herself. “I liked him the instant I saw him. And nothing’s changed my feelings about him from that moment to this one.”

  Val gave her a loving look. “You have a heart of gold and you do so much for so many. It’s time you met someone of your own caliber. And you have.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  TALON WATCHED FROM his bedroom window as Cat and Val slogged along a newly shoveled path through the snow from the house to the barn. He rubbed his face tiredly. Dammit, he wanted to be well. Five days into this pneumonia thing and his nerves were frayed.

  Zeke whined, standing at his side, his body pressed against Talon’s leg. Absently petting his war dog, Talon yearned to get outside and breathe in fresh air. Every day, he’d improved. And every day, he waited, anticipating Cat’s touch, her smile, her warmth, which lifted him up, like light.

  A knock on his door made him turn.

  “Come in,” he called.

  Gus poked her head around the door. “Don’t you think it’s about time you joined the land of the living, Talon?”